A Reddit thread on the subreddit r/AITAH has sparked a discussion about the dynamics of families and the honoring wishes of the deceased. The original poster (OP), u/Majestic-Annual-6706, shared a poignant story about her recently deceased 19-year-old sister and the controversial decision surrounding her obituary. What’s the main issue? She wrote her own obituary after a prolonged illness and excluded her stepmother.
The Pre-Written Funeral Obituary of the Sister: Reflections on Her Relationships
The OP states that her sister’s relationship with her dad was strained after his remarriage, six years earlier. After becoming sick, she lived with her mother full time and had not seen her stepsiblings or stepmother in more than three years. Her carefully crafted obituary included only immediate family, including her parents, and her extended family. Her stepfamily was notably absent from the obituary.
My sister was not close [my dad] Since he remarried in 2006, she had lived full-time with her mother once she became sick,” wrote the OP, highlighting how far they’d come. “Dad saw her still, but their relationship was bad. She had not seen her stepmom for over three years, or any of our stepsiblings.”
The content of obituaries sparks a family dispute
Upon their sister’s death, OP and mother published the obituary exactly as it was written, following the instructions given by the deceased sister. A significant reaction was triggered by the stepmother and father who both demanded that an amended version include them. The mother was strongly supported by the OP and refused to make any changes to the written tribute.
The adherence to her sister’s wish resulted into a family split, and the stepmother chose to stay away from the funeral. The OP recounted the palpable tension, explaining “The funeral was so awkward because of the tension…In the end, my stepmom and her kids stayed home, and dad was with me and mom at the service.”
Reddit Reaction: Honoring Autonomy of the Dead
Reddit users largely supported the OP in her decision to honor her sister’s last wishes. Many commenters emphasized that it is important to respect the dead’s autonomy regardless of feelings from surviving relatives.
According to a commenter, you are simply following the last wish of your sister. Your dad can kick rocks. Whatever the reasons for their rocky relationship, it’s far too late for him to be trying to play ‘happy family’ now.” One person said, “The anger he shows over this is telling us all we need to about him.”
Expert View on Obituary Disputes & Grudges
For a more balanced view, we spoke with Dr. [Name of Expert]Dr. is a family dynamics specialist and grief counselor. Dr. [Name of Expert] explained, “In cases of estrangement or blended families, obituaries can become a source of contention because they are more than just a notice of passing—they are a reflection of relationships, identity and belonging.” This conflict is often rooted in complicated family relations, blended family issues, and grieving.
Dr. [Name of Expert] It is important to honor wishes that are clearly expressed. This includes those regarding end-of life decisions. When someone pre-writes their obituary as was the case in this instance, they should follow their wishes. This was likely an informed decision made by the deceased. To ignore it would be to undermine their autonomy. It is especially true in the context of autonomy and respecting deceased preferences.
He explained the complexity of grief and noted that it could manifest as a desire for control over the narrative around the deceased. This can be exacerbated by family conflicts or exclusion feelings. In order to achieve this, Dr. [Name of Expert] Consider alternative expressions of grief for both the father and stepmother, like private memories or tributes.
Family members might struggle, but they need to be encouraged to focus more on their grieving than controlling someone else’s narrative.
Reddit’s post highlights how family relationships are sensitive, complex, and difficult. It also emphasizes the importance of honoring a deceased person’s last wishes. This situation highlights the importance of honoring the expressed wishes of a deceased individual, even if they cause disagreement or discomfort amongst the remaining family. Blended family dynamics, estrangement and other factors can create challenges. However, the importance of respecting the wishes expressed by the deceased is paramount. This incident is a good reminder that grieving is an intensely personal experience and finding ways to manage those feelings is important for everyone involved.